“Oh my God. This guy has walked out of a venue, collapsed in the middle of a public bar. His best mate, who’s the only doctor in the building, has been picked up and carried away by security guards. His girlfriend has stepped over his prone body to ask me for an autograph and now Bart Simpson is telling him to come away from the light! That is surreal!”
“I was doing a show in Portsmith, in the south of England a few years ago. And this young bloke came up to me after the show, and I quite enjoyed myself at this particular night, young scruffy looking bloke, bit like yourself, nice looking bloke, you know, bit scruffy, came up to me and he went, “excuse me mate, I really liked your show.” I said, “oh thanks very much.” “I’d like to give you a carrot.” I said, “I beg your pardon?” “I enjoyed your show, I’d like to give you a carrot, do you mind?” “I guess not.” “I’ve got to tell you the story of the carrot first!” I went, “aw, go on!” Here’s what he said:
‘I was at the supermarket the other day doing the shopping. Walking up the fruit and veg aisle, I see this one carrot sitting right on top of all the other carrots and it’s the best carrot I’ve ever seen. So I’m looking at the carrot, people are going past and I’m going “look at the carrot! Can you not-” No one looked at it! So I grabbed it, I put it in me jacket, I went up to the counter and I said “I want that carrot.” The woman said, “anything else?” and I went “look at the carrot!” She went “alright, anything else?” But how can you not see the carrot?! So I’ve had it with me for like two weeks, I didn’t know what to do with it until I saw your show. I thought, “there’s a man that would like this carrot.”’
He gave it to me and he was right, it was the best carrot I’ve ever seen. I took it home, put it in my fridge and every night for three weeks I’d just open the fridge and go “hehehehe” but after three weeks it started to go off, it started to go mouldy and I knew I couldn’t keep it, so I took a photo of the carrot, for posterity. And I brought that photo along tonight. And without any photoshopping, this is the carrot the guy gave me.
Is that not the best carrot you’ve seen in your life?!”
You all live in a convict colony! … We get threeee dollars, to the pound! … Get ya shit stars, get ya shit stars, get ya shit stars off our flag!
- “Borderline racist, almost violent, but very funny” songs Adam Hills heard in an English bar after England beat Australia in the Rugby World Cup Final (via threadedwords